God Outdoes Terrorists Yet Again | The Onion - America's Finest News Source: "BAGHDAD—The 4,000 Louisiana National Guardsmen stationed in Iraq, representing over a third of the state's troops, called home this week to find out what, if any, help they could offer Katrina survivors from overseas. 'The soldiers wanted to know if they could call 911 for anyone, or perhaps send some water via FedEx,' said Louisiana National Guard spokesman Lt. Col. Pete Schneider. The Guardsmen also 'would love to send generators, rations, and Black Hawk helicopters for rescue missions,' but, said Schneider, 'we desperately need these in Iraq to stay alive.' Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld praised the phone support, but noted that it would take months to transfer any equipment from Iraq to New Orleans, saying, 'You fight a national disaster with the equipment you have.'"
Other headlines in this issue:
Government Relief Workers Mosey In To Help
Refugees Moved From Sewage-Contaminated Superdome To Helhole Of Houston
White Foragers Report Threat of Black Looters
Bush Urges Victims To Gnaw On Bootstraps For Sustenance